Common sense suggests that asking the right questions before getting married can make for a better union, but rarely is the other side of the coin examined.<\/p>\n
That could be because, by the time the prospect of divorce surfaces, spouses may already be in a stressful frame of mind, and in no mood for a game of 20 \u2014 or even 11 \u2014 questions.<\/p>\n
That is a mistake, said Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist in Manhattan. Even if the ultimate decision is to dissolve the marriage, asking the right questions before contacting a lawyer or mediator, and perhaps with the assistance of a marriage counselor, may prove worthwhile.<\/p>\n
The New York Times asked some people well versed in the challenges and difficulties of marriage and divorce to suggest questions that may make a split more amicable, or even save the union. Here are 11 of their ideas:<\/p>\n
1. Have you made clear your concerns about the relationship?<\/p>\n
\u201cYou may think that you have communicated, but your partner may not have really heard,\u201d said Sherry Amatenstein, a marriage therapist in Manhattan and Queens and the author of books on relationships.<\/p>\n
\u201cResearch shows that people hear only between 30 to 35 percent of what is said to them,\u201d she said, \u201cbecause we\u2019re so full of \u2018I\u2019m going to say this to them.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
If, for example, you believe your spouse is not making you a priority and, say, fails to spend time with you, this behavior can\u2019t be changed unless he or she is aware of your concerns.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want to be really clear that you\u2019ve given it everything in terms of speaking truth to your partner,\u201d Ms. Colier said. That could help in healing if the marriage dissolves, she said, because you\u2019ll know that you have done everything possible to make the relationship work.<\/p>\n
2. Do you and your spouse have shared expectations about the roles you play in the relationship?<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes the problem may be as simple as not understanding how your partner expects you to behave,\u201d said Hope Adair, who, along with her ex-husband, was featured in a 2014 Times column that explored marriages that have failed. \u201cIt\u2019s like, \u2018This is what husbands or wives do and you\u2019re not doing that.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
If, for instance, one person expects the other to take the lead in managing finances, and he or she would prefer not to, problems can result.<\/p>\n
3. If there is a way to save the marriage, what would it be?<\/p>\n
The Rev. Kevin Wright, the minister of education at the Riverside Church in Manhattan, suggests this exercise: On one side of a sheet of paper or computer screen, make a list of what you think you need to do to save the marriage, and on the other side, what your spouse needs to do. And make sure your spouse does the same. It\u2019s important that both of you perform this exercise. Otherwise, he said, \u201cthis question can very easily become a question all about what the other person needs to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
4. Would you really be happier without your partner?<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have to look fiercely and realistically at whether what you\u2019re getting in the relationship is worth what you\u2019re giving up,\u201d Ms. Colier said. \u201cPerhaps your spouse doesn\u2019t interest you as a sexual partner as much as you would want, but maybe your spouse\u2019s co-parenting skills, willingness to help with everyday chores or companionship can offset the negative and make the trade-off worth it.\u201d Getting a clear idea of what is most important in your life can make the decision of whether to stay in the marriage less overwhelming.<\/p>\n
5. Do you still love him or her?<\/p>\n
Even if the answer is yes, divorce may still be the right path. \u201cThere are a lot of reasons that people decide they can\u2019t stay married, but our emotions aren\u2019t wired on an on\/off switch,\u201d said Wendy Paris, a writer specializing in relationships. \u201cSome of the anger we see in divorce comes from the fact that we do still feel love for this person, and can feel hurt, unloved in return, or unvalued.\u201d<\/p>\n
6. What is your biggest fear in ending the relationship?<\/p>\n
\u201cFor some people, it might be the fear of being single again \u2014 the fear of being alone for the rest of their life,\u201d Ms. Colier said. \u201cFor others, it is the fear of losing a sense of physical intimacy.\u201d An understanding of what those fears are may help in deciding whether divorce is the best way forward, she said.<\/p>\n
7. Are you letting the prospect of divorce ruin your self-image?<\/p>\n
The realization that divorce may be near often makes people feel like failures, Ms. Paris said. Instead of dwelling on how you may have stumbled, look at the relationship\u2019s end in \u201ca more empowering way,\u201d she suggested, concentrating on what you did right. For example, \u201cI have given intimacy a real try,\u201d or \u201cI am trying different options to figure out what is the best for everybody.\u201d<\/p>\n
8. How can a divorce be handled to minimize the harm on the children?<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you\u2019re really miserable together, getting divorced is the best thing to do,\u201d Ms. Amatenstein said. \u201cBut you will always be parents together. You are still going to be in each other\u2019s lives. You need to think about how you\u2019re going to do this and refrain from using the kids as cannon fodder.\u201d<\/p>\n
9. Are you prepared for the financial stresses divorce may bring?<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat I recommend to people is that they start thinking about the financial as early in the process as possible,\u201d Ms. Colier said. \u201cThat means meeting, if you can, with a financial adviser, talking to lawyers and writing down what this is going to cost. There is so much that is going to change \u2014 and so much fear. It\u2019s important to feel grounded with as many financial facts as possible. You\u2019ll feel safer that way.\u201d<\/p>\n
10. Am I ready to handle the day-to-day details of living that my spouse took care of?<\/p>\n
\u201cWe prepare for most other major transitions, but divorce can seem to erupt like a volcano,\u201d Ms. Paris said, \u201cand our lack of preparation adds to the chaos.\u201d<\/p>\n
Understand that you may find yourself paying bills or figuring out taxes for the first time in years. If there are children, who will take the lead in keeping track of their activities calendar?<\/p>\n
11. How do I keep from making the same mistake the next time around?<\/p>\n
Understand that the problem may be you, not the particular marriage. If you are bored in a relationship, you may find yourself bored in another one, too, said Erika Doukas, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Manhattan and Larchmont, N.Y. If you quarrel with your spouse over whose relatives to visit during the holidays, the same conflict may reappear in a subsequent marriage. Dr. Doukas said spouses who were able to realize that they contribute to marital problems could sometimes change course and possibly save a relationship or, failing that, make a future one more long lasting.<\/p>\n
Deciding to divorce is hard – but if that is the direction you need to take, consider mediation. It is the better way to divorce. Contact Bill Ferguson at www.californiadivorcemediator.com for help and information.<\/p>\n
Divorce, Family Law, Mediator, Mediation, child custody<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Common sense suggests that asking the right questions before getting married can make for a better union, but rarely is the other side of the coin examined. That could be because, by the time the prospect of divorce surfaces, spouses may already be in a stressful frame of mind, and in no mood for a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":432,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-431","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/431","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=431"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/431\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":433,"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/431\/revisions\/433"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/432"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=431"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=431"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/billfergusonmediator.com\/pdm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=431"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}